Neal Cassady Letter

Neal Cassady Letter to Allen Ginsberg

1073 Downing St.

Denver, Colorado

March 20, 1947.

Dear Allen;

I have just finished copying the poem, since I am not a typist you will see in it several mistakes that are so glaring as to fill me with shame. I have, however, stuck exactly to your punctuation etc. Also, I have sent you the poem in carbon, now, if you need the prime copy or the original don't hesitate to let me know, and I shall sent it on to you.[...] Your speaking of Bill B. only makes me want to meet him more than ever. I trust that in June you will come west we shall see he and Joan at that time. Continue to keep me informed as to his tribulations etc. just as you did in this letter. I place you in such high regard academically that I merely reacted normally to your amount of information concerning the literary scene. I presupposed that it had all come out of your head without effort, just as I without effort can speak of football, therefore, when I expressed amazement at the knowledge, it was artificial in that I was complimenting you simply as a means of showing appreciation. So you see I was not truly impressed, but, rather than using the false complementary style to show my thanks to you. I have given much thought to what I am about to say, I must, I fear, become somewhat incoherant near the end of this paragraph, but, bear with me as I am consciously trying to formulate our, no, my feelings. First, realize I am not intellectualizing nor doing anything other than being governed by pure emotion (incidentally, I feel that is the key to whatever awareness you sensed in me) in my effort to state to you what my present position is.

Now, I shall.tell my fears, desires, feelings of all types, and then, if possible, attempt to analize them. Allen, this may sound strange, but, the thing that is uppermost in my mind at the moment is a fear. How can I state it ? I believe it is almost paranoic in its intensity, with each of your letters I feel it more. I have difficulty in putting my finger on it, but its a real fear of losing you. Its a combination of a knowledge of lack on my part, not only academically, but, in drive as well, also, a sense of outcast that makes me feel at times as if I were really imposing on you for me to try and become closer. I have become more defensive psychologically in direct ratio to my increasing of realization of need of you.

The thing that is closest to the truth is the simple statement that you are too good for me.[...] Allen, forgive me, but I must break off now. I have been really busy these last few days these last few days and haven't had any rest, right now its 5 A.M. and I must rise at 9:30 A.M. I am completely beat, causing fluctuations in thought I think. Let me end on one line in your wonderful letter - "I will be prepared for you I think, when we meet, but on other terms than those which I'd formerly conceived and which I tried to force on you" I find the statement holds true for me as well as you Allen, whether for better or worse we must see, but whichever way it goes, I know I can't help from profitting thereby and perhaps you can also (though, I fear you can't since I no longer have anything to offer, and, therin lies my lonlyness).

I leave you in complete weariness and apology. But, By God, L'enfant or no, whether you think its mad or not, whether "its not as we feel or I want to feel" to quote you. I still love (what a weak word) you.

Bah ! I'm tired.

Neal

Neal Cassady - Kerouac Alley
Allen Ginsberg - Kerouac Alley